Almost at the end of the a new cycle

Yep, that's right! I started my period the day before I was supposed to test. So I moved onto this month with not knowing where I wanted to go from here. I had a month left of the shots, so I knew I would do this month. I am not sure if I want to go on. I, mean, I want to go on, but not sure if I want to keep paying out the nose every month! So I guess I will have to make the choice soon. I just started my shots for the luteal phase. I am worried that it won't happen this month either. Because I didn't ovulate on my own last month, I was given Clomid to do it this month. It seems to have worked and I got a surge on the OPK. Let's just pray that I did and that this month is it! That I don't have to make the horrible decision! Though, at this point, I don't think that it will work! I found out our neighbor is pregnant and due in July. I swear things happen in threes. So my sister-in-law, my hubby's friend, and now my neighbor! That is 3!! I will try to update the minute I start my period. For right now, I wait until June 9th (or sooner if it comes)!

Waiting Patiently (or not so Patiently) for Friday

I sit here in my rocker recliner, ready to go to bed, but dreading another day waiting! I was cramping today so I am sure that it is coming. I just wish I would start already so I, emotionally, can move on. Every little thing I feel, makes me wonder? My boobs are huge and sore again. I am really tired. I pee more than usual during the day, but have yet to have to get up in the middle of the night. My nails are hard as rocks! I know that sounds really weird, but my nails break so easily, unless I am pregnant. I have been walking around like a zombie and I am not sure if that is because the whole family has been sick or if it is because of the SLIGHT chance it may have worked this month! I just can't believe that it would work the first month on this stuff!!

I have been praying to God day and night! It is something I think about all day and night! I know that no matter what I want, it is His decision! I keep wanting to look up a due date, in case it worked! Then I hold back thinking, "You are stupid, you know it didn't work, why put yourself through that?" or "You are just jinxing yourself." Knowing full well that there is no such thing as jinxing yourself as all is in God's Hands! I have told God how cool it would be to have a baby around the same time as my Sister-In-Law and C's best girlfriend. But does that really matter in the grand scheme of things? Does God really look at that?

C and I had a discussion the other night about IVF. It came up because of a show we were watching and they mixed up embryos and placed them back int he wrong moms. I asked him what we do in that case? He didn't even want to discuss it! He thought I had made up my mind that I would never that. And in the past, I didn't think I would do that to myself and our family. But then I think how much I do want to be pregnant again. I hate that I had gotten past the thought of ever being pregnant again and was happy with our choice. Then I got pregnant (twice) and miscarried! I had overcome something that Doctors had told me would never happen again. It brought back all the feeling of having another baby! Don't get me wrong, if I can't I am happy to adopt again. I love our son so much! I couldn't love him more if I had given birth to him. I just hate that the thoughts and feelings are there again. I keep praying that if I can, I don't want it to take too long because of how hard this is.

I just have to wait for Friday! Only 3 more days! And I pray that if I am going to start, I start before then! I don't want to see another BFN! If I don't get it before then, I pray that I see a BFP! I better take my meds and head to bed! It is only 10, but I am wiped and the kids are down! C will probably want to go to sleep too! He caught the stomach flu from our son!

Another dicouraging month!

First, I was two weeks late with my period. Then it was 10 days long and only needed a panty liner. This is really weird for me, so I called the nurse right away. They did an ultrasound and found that my uterus was showing all the signs of getting ready to ovulate. I was told that I should get a +OPK by the end of the weekend and if I don't to call on Monday. No +OPK, so I called first thing on Monday. I was told to come in Tuesday for another ultrasound. I was convinced that I wouldn't ovulate this month either. So Tuesday's ultrasound showed that I had 1 follicle left still growing (29mm) and the nurse gave me the Trigger shot.

I was told to come back in Thursday for another ultrasound to see if it has released. We tried for the next 2 days, and went back in for the u/s. Sure enough, it showed that I did ovulate. I was happy to hear that I did ovulate, but already convinced that this wasn't the month! We left a message for our nurse to call as we had some questions about the plan for next month. Of course, she didn't call back until Tuesday of this week (5 days later)!

Of course, she said "I'm not counting out this month to having worked, but we will put you on Clomid next month to help you ovulate." So that was the answer! I figured, but I wanted to be prepared! I am noticing that I don't have any signs of being pregnant and very upset about it! My boobs had gotten huge and sore, but now back to size and don't hurt as bad. I know there is only a 5% chance each month, but still. It is heart breaking when we try so hard and do so much to try to get pregnant and nothing works!

It doesn't help that everytime someone calls to chat with me, they end up telling me they are pregnant! I don't want to hear it anymore! I just don't understand! I wish God would just show me the blueprint on my life to know if it is really worth trying??? I hate getting so depressed before Monday comes! I just pray that I don't go weeks without a period starting either! I have faith that God will provide, but sometimes it is hard to deal with!

So I will post next week when I start and let you know if I ovulate! It is so nice to have this outlet to vent and cry and just get it all out! It is hard to constantly dump on C, though he is really good about it all!

The results were in.....just fogot to post them!

So my HSG showed that my uterus was clean and no polyps were to be found! I was relieved by this, but things have not gotten better with my cycles! Only time will tell and C wants to wait another cycle before getting upset with the Metformin!

C's mass on his pituitary gland (near his brain) has not been ruled out as a tumor, but they are thinking more that it is a cyst! We find out more May 5! Then he has another MRI 3 months after that!

So those are the results!

Another month down!

So last Tuesday I had a consult with my RE again. He has decided that we will do the following plan:

Take metformin, folplex (a combo of B6, B12, and folic acid), and baby aspirin
Use OPKs to determine ovulation
After ovulation take 3 sets of shots to prepare my uterus for implantation

I thought that last Tuesday I had ovulated the weekend before, but a blood test proved negative. Then I took another blood test today just in case I did since then, but again I heard that I have not. So I told his nurse that we will just hold off this month and not worry about it. I would call her first thing when af shows her ugly face! I am totally pmsing! I just want my period to come so I do not have to worry about it this month. I am disappointed! I told C that if I don't ovulate again this next month, I will be going back to my RE to discuss this! In the past, I had ovulated every month and had no issues!!! But now, it seems like my body is totally screwed up! I am frustrated! I remember now why I decided not to pursue trying anymore!! I guess I need to take my temp again, too! I hate doing this, because it makes me think about it all! I HATE thinkng about it! I am relieved to know that when my family comes next week I can get plastered on Jello shooters and not care!

This has been a month! C's mom called and causes more problems! I really hope that this is the end of my dealing with her! I really have crossed the point of no return and would never like to talk to her again! We, also, heard that our SIL is trying to get a job out here! I swear, I will find a way for us to move if that happens!!! I hate living 4 states away from them, and it looks like they might all move out here!!! Luckily, there might be a chance if C gets a promotion that he is trying for! Honestly, I am praying that we move, even if they don't move here! It is more money, and yet the cost of living is cheaper! The problem is having to rent out 2 houses at that point! That is a scary issue we would have to deal with!

So on to the next month! It really sucks! WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES???????

Well the good news just keeps coming!

So C went to the Dr. to get his tests results. Apparently, he has a brain tumor! I don't know where to go with this post! I am mad! Mad that there is a God that lets this crap keep happening! Mad there is nothing I can do for him! Mad that all I keep thinking is, "Great so how long do I have left with my husband?" We will know more in a week!

On Tuesday, I have my hsg! Though I am not thinking we will be hearing good news there either! I have given up on hoping!

Well I am happy to report that AF has shown her ugly face after 64days without it! So I made sure to call my RE's office to schedule my HSG. Of course, his nurse called me around 5pm. By that point I had totally forgotten about the call and with fussy annoying kids standing right there it made it hard to talk to her.

I am still amazed at the dumbness at his office!! I am seriously thinking about trying to find a new infertility clinic. So she calls and says, "Okay, so we need to schedule your hsg, right?" "Yes." Then she asks, "When did you officially start?" "Today." "TODAY?" I couldn't tell if she was confused by that answer or what! Then she preceeds to ask, "Ok, then are you wanting to do clomid again this cycle?" CLOMID??? CLOMID???? She can't possibly be asking me this right? And to ask that with the word "again" in it! I mean I haven't been on clomid since Jan. 2006 and we only used it one cycle. "Um, I don't think so, he wanted to try metformin and progesterone next." "No, he only wanted you to use progesterone to induce a period, but you got one on your own because you ovulated." OH PLEASE HELP ME, NOT THIS AGAIN! "No, he also wanted it so I can carry a pregnancy to term. He thinks I have something wrong with my lining." How many times do I have to go through this? I mean really!! So then she says, "oh um, well let me go look at your chart........hmmm his last notes aren't in here." Then I hear nothing for a while. Then she says, "Sorry I am reading it now." I just sit there and wait. I wait to hear that he wrote other orders. That I misunderstood, that C misunderstood, that he decided something else....NOPE! Finally she says, "Oh, this cycle he only wants to do the HSG, then metformin and progesterone. So I guess we will just set up the HSG." All I could say was, "ok!" I am soo done arguing with idiots! I will be having a serious discussion with my RE about all I have gone through with his nurses! I mean this is rediculous! She should have READ my chart a long time ago!

Anyway, I have the HSG scheduled for a week from tomorrow! I am just happy that my period has finally decided to come and now I can get through this. So far it has been extremely light, but the cramping is getting so bad that I might have to take something if I plan on sleeping tonight! I might not be able to sleep tonight anyway, I coughed up a lung last night! It was annoying! I was going to sleep in my recliner again tonight, but the cramping is hurting so bad, that I might try my bed. I figure between my cramps and my coughing, I won't be getting a lot of sleep tonight anyway!