Almost at the end of the a new cycle

Yep, that's right! I started my period the day before I was supposed to test. So I moved onto this month with not knowing where I wanted to go from here. I had a month left of the shots, so I knew I would do this month. I am not sure if I want to go on. I, mean, I want to go on, but not sure if I want to keep paying out the nose every month! So I guess I will have to make the choice soon. I just started my shots for the luteal phase. I am worried that it won't happen this month either. Because I didn't ovulate on my own last month, I was given Clomid to do it this month. It seems to have worked and I got a surge on the OPK. Let's just pray that I did and that this month is it! That I don't have to make the horrible decision! Though, at this point, I don't think that it will work! I found out our neighbor is pregnant and due in July. I swear things happen in threes. So my sister-in-law, my hubby's friend, and now my neighbor! That is 3!! I will try to update the minute I start my period. For right now, I wait until June 9th (or sooner if it comes)!

Waiting Patiently (or not so Patiently) for Friday

I sit here in my rocker recliner, ready to go to bed, but dreading another day waiting! I was cramping today so I am sure that it is coming. I just wish I would start already so I, emotionally, can move on. Every little thing I feel, makes me wonder? My boobs are huge and sore again. I am really tired. I pee more than usual during the day, but have yet to have to get up in the middle of the night. My nails are hard as rocks! I know that sounds really weird, but my nails break so easily, unless I am pregnant. I have been walking around like a zombie and I am not sure if that is because the whole family has been sick or if it is because of the SLIGHT chance it may have worked this month! I just can't believe that it would work the first month on this stuff!!

I have been praying to God day and night! It is something I think about all day and night! I know that no matter what I want, it is His decision! I keep wanting to look up a due date, in case it worked! Then I hold back thinking, "You are stupid, you know it didn't work, why put yourself through that?" or "You are just jinxing yourself." Knowing full well that there is no such thing as jinxing yourself as all is in God's Hands! I have told God how cool it would be to have a baby around the same time as my Sister-In-Law and C's best girlfriend. But does that really matter in the grand scheme of things? Does God really look at that?

C and I had a discussion the other night about IVF. It came up because of a show we were watching and they mixed up embryos and placed them back int he wrong moms. I asked him what we do in that case? He didn't even want to discuss it! He thought I had made up my mind that I would never that. And in the past, I didn't think I would do that to myself and our family. But then I think how much I do want to be pregnant again. I hate that I had gotten past the thought of ever being pregnant again and was happy with our choice. Then I got pregnant (twice) and miscarried! I had overcome something that Doctors had told me would never happen again. It brought back all the feeling of having another baby! Don't get me wrong, if I can't I am happy to adopt again. I love our son so much! I couldn't love him more if I had given birth to him. I just hate that the thoughts and feelings are there again. I keep praying that if I can, I don't want it to take too long because of how hard this is.

I just have to wait for Friday! Only 3 more days! And I pray that if I am going to start, I start before then! I don't want to see another BFN! If I don't get it before then, I pray that I see a BFP! I better take my meds and head to bed! It is only 10, but I am wiped and the kids are down! C will probably want to go to sleep too! He caught the stomach flu from our son!

Another dicouraging month!

First, I was two weeks late with my period. Then it was 10 days long and only needed a panty liner. This is really weird for me, so I called the nurse right away. They did an ultrasound and found that my uterus was showing all the signs of getting ready to ovulate. I was told that I should get a +OPK by the end of the weekend and if I don't to call on Monday. No +OPK, so I called first thing on Monday. I was told to come in Tuesday for another ultrasound. I was convinced that I wouldn't ovulate this month either. So Tuesday's ultrasound showed that I had 1 follicle left still growing (29mm) and the nurse gave me the Trigger shot.

I was told to come back in Thursday for another ultrasound to see if it has released. We tried for the next 2 days, and went back in for the u/s. Sure enough, it showed that I did ovulate. I was happy to hear that I did ovulate, but already convinced that this wasn't the month! We left a message for our nurse to call as we had some questions about the plan for next month. Of course, she didn't call back until Tuesday of this week (5 days later)!

Of course, she said "I'm not counting out this month to having worked, but we will put you on Clomid next month to help you ovulate." So that was the answer! I figured, but I wanted to be prepared! I am noticing that I don't have any signs of being pregnant and very upset about it! My boobs had gotten huge and sore, but now back to size and don't hurt as bad. I know there is only a 5% chance each month, but still. It is heart breaking when we try so hard and do so much to try to get pregnant and nothing works!

It doesn't help that everytime someone calls to chat with me, they end up telling me they are pregnant! I don't want to hear it anymore! I just don't understand! I wish God would just show me the blueprint on my life to know if it is really worth trying??? I hate getting so depressed before Monday comes! I just pray that I don't go weeks without a period starting either! I have faith that God will provide, but sometimes it is hard to deal with!

So I will post next week when I start and let you know if I ovulate! It is so nice to have this outlet to vent and cry and just get it all out! It is hard to constantly dump on C, though he is really good about it all!

The results were in.....just fogot to post them!

So my HSG showed that my uterus was clean and no polyps were to be found! I was relieved by this, but things have not gotten better with my cycles! Only time will tell and C wants to wait another cycle before getting upset with the Metformin!

C's mass on his pituitary gland (near his brain) has not been ruled out as a tumor, but they are thinking more that it is a cyst! We find out more May 5! Then he has another MRI 3 months after that!

So those are the results!

Another month down!

So last Tuesday I had a consult with my RE again. He has decided that we will do the following plan:

Take metformin, folplex (a combo of B6, B12, and folic acid), and baby aspirin
Use OPKs to determine ovulation
After ovulation take 3 sets of shots to prepare my uterus for implantation

I thought that last Tuesday I had ovulated the weekend before, but a blood test proved negative. Then I took another blood test today just in case I did since then, but again I heard that I have not. So I told his nurse that we will just hold off this month and not worry about it. I would call her first thing when af shows her ugly face! I am totally pmsing! I just want my period to come so I do not have to worry about it this month. I am disappointed! I told C that if I don't ovulate again this next month, I will be going back to my RE to discuss this! In the past, I had ovulated every month and had no issues!!! But now, it seems like my body is totally screwed up! I am frustrated! I remember now why I decided not to pursue trying anymore!! I guess I need to take my temp again, too! I hate doing this, because it makes me think about it all! I HATE thinkng about it! I am relieved to know that when my family comes next week I can get plastered on Jello shooters and not care!

This has been a month! C's mom called and causes more problems! I really hope that this is the end of my dealing with her! I really have crossed the point of no return and would never like to talk to her again! We, also, heard that our SIL is trying to get a job out here! I swear, I will find a way for us to move if that happens!!! I hate living 4 states away from them, and it looks like they might all move out here!!! Luckily, there might be a chance if C gets a promotion that he is trying for! Honestly, I am praying that we move, even if they don't move here! It is more money, and yet the cost of living is cheaper! The problem is having to rent out 2 houses at that point! That is a scary issue we would have to deal with!

So on to the next month! It really sucks! WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES???????

Well the good news just keeps coming!

So C went to the Dr. to get his tests results. Apparently, he has a brain tumor! I don't know where to go with this post! I am mad! Mad that there is a God that lets this crap keep happening! Mad there is nothing I can do for him! Mad that all I keep thinking is, "Great so how long do I have left with my husband?" We will know more in a week!

On Tuesday, I have my hsg! Though I am not thinking we will be hearing good news there either! I have given up on hoping!

Well I am happy to report that AF has shown her ugly face after 64days without it! So I made sure to call my RE's office to schedule my HSG. Of course, his nurse called me around 5pm. By that point I had totally forgotten about the call and with fussy annoying kids standing right there it made it hard to talk to her.

I am still amazed at the dumbness at his office!! I am seriously thinking about trying to find a new infertility clinic. So she calls and says, "Okay, so we need to schedule your hsg, right?" "Yes." Then she asks, "When did you officially start?" "Today." "TODAY?" I couldn't tell if she was confused by that answer or what! Then she preceeds to ask, "Ok, then are you wanting to do clomid again this cycle?" CLOMID??? CLOMID???? She can't possibly be asking me this right? And to ask that with the word "again" in it! I mean I haven't been on clomid since Jan. 2006 and we only used it one cycle. "Um, I don't think so, he wanted to try metformin and progesterone next." "No, he only wanted you to use progesterone to induce a period, but you got one on your own because you ovulated." OH PLEASE HELP ME, NOT THIS AGAIN! "No, he also wanted it so I can carry a pregnancy to term. He thinks I have something wrong with my lining." How many times do I have to go through this? I mean really!! So then she says, "oh um, well let me go look at your chart........hmmm his last notes aren't in here." Then I hear nothing for a while. Then she says, "Sorry I am reading it now." I just sit there and wait. I wait to hear that he wrote other orders. That I misunderstood, that C misunderstood, that he decided something else....NOPE! Finally she says, "Oh, this cycle he only wants to do the HSG, then metformin and progesterone. So I guess we will just set up the HSG." All I could say was, "ok!" I am soo done arguing with idiots! I will be having a serious discussion with my RE about all I have gone through with his nurses! I mean this is rediculous! She should have READ my chart a long time ago!

Anyway, I have the HSG scheduled for a week from tomorrow! I am just happy that my period has finally decided to come and now I can get through this. So far it has been extremely light, but the cramping is getting so bad that I might have to take something if I plan on sleeping tonight! I might not be able to sleep tonight anyway, I coughed up a lung last night! It was annoying! I was going to sleep in my recliner again tonight, but the cramping is hurting so bad, that I might try my bed. I figure between my cramps and my coughing, I won't be getting a lot of sleep tonight anyway!

I am a little annoyed with my RE's office. A nurse that doesn't work for my Dr. is the one that called. Anyway, they called and said the my progesterone was 13, indicating that I ovulated last week (which I knew and told them). My beta was negative, but I also know it can take 7-10 days for an egg to implant, so I wasn't too terribly surprised. The nurse told me not to take the provera to induce a period, that I should get my period on my own in the next 2 weeks. I told her that was what I told 2 weeks ago! She said, "yes but you still had + beta test." I informed her that no it had already gone to zero by that point. So then she says well you ovulated that's why. I know! So I just hung up with her and waited a day to try and talk to my Dr.'s nurse (hoping that she might be a little more informed about MY case).

So I called to talk to my Dr.'s nurse yesterday. I asked if it was possible to get a + later since I still had at least a week before AF was supposed to arrive. She said it was possible but not likely. I, then asked, well shouldn't I call in a week, not 2, if I don't have a period? She said, no I would wait 2 weeks! Then I told her that if it is possible, shouldn't I be on the progesterone supplements, just in case as the Dr. suggested. She said no, because I would have had to have known that I ovulated and BDed at that time to be pregnant. I told her that I did know and we did bd around the right time. She said, "well that is why your Dr. ordered those tests to see if you ovulated." I told her, "The reason he ordered those tests is because I told him that is what happened, so he wanted to confirm so we could move forward and take the progesterone for a possible pregnancy." I could then see I was getting nowhere with her, so I hung up again!

If I miscarry again, I will be pissed that I got NO help from his office!!!!! I will be changing Dr.s because I am that pissed! Does her reasoning make sense? Am I over reacting? I just hate that everything he said went out the window for how we are going to proceed! I just want either a BFP or a period to start ASAP so I can go on with my life! I have been in limbo since Nov.!

Okay, so I went in for a follow-up from my miscarriage. He was shocked to hear that I haven't bled yet, it has been 2 weeks since my hcg numbers dropped to 0. So he did an ultrasound and I have an extremely thick lining right now. I swear that last week I ovulated, which might be the reason for it. So for right now he just took blood to see if I got pregnant right away again, what my progesterone levels are (if I did ovulate right after the number got to 0), and other levels. He gave me meds to start a period, to shed the lining, if the hcg comes back negative tomorrow.

If I am pregnant, then I will be given progesterone supplements and hopefully carry to term this time. If I am not pregnant (which is most likely the case), then I will take the meds to induce a period, go in for a HSG, then he will probably put me on metformin and progesterone supplements to TTC.

I hate waiting! I am not good at it! I am guessing that God knows that and is testing me! LOL!

Okay, so Monday Jan. 12, I reweighed myself and I had lost 9.6lbs instead of 3! I felt a lot better when I saw that! However, as I posted yesterday I have gained a pound this week. I am hoping it is a combination of things causing this increase!

1. Still waiting fr a period to start to miscarry already!
2. working out a ton at the gym!
3. week 2 being the worst week for weight loss!

I know that only time will tell. I am really liking working out at the gym. I didn't think I would like joining a gym. I am overweight and hated showing that off at a gym. But my hubby joined so he could lose weight too, and invited me to go with him. So I went and worked out one day and decided that I didn't care what people thought. I was trying to better myself! I need to lose at least 10% of my weight! I am, also, hoping that the new work out schedule is what is causing my period to stay away while my body tries to figure out what is really going on! I am having a hard time dealing with the wait until tomorrow! I just want to go to the Dr. and hear what he has to say about my cycle.

I want to know if it is possible to ovulate before having a period! I never bled to completely miscarry. I know it was an early miscarriage and that I might have not need to bleed, but I am afraid that I would need a D&C if I don't bleed this miscarriage out! Also, is it possible to ovulate without bleeding out a miscarriage? If so, can I get pregnant? I wish that I knew the answers to these. I keep wondering if I am pregnant again! Everything points to me ovulating last week. I know you are more fertile right after a miscarriage, but I didn't bleed! I need to see the Dr. now!

I am frustrated with my weight loss. So I have been doing weight watchers for 2 weeks now, as well as working out at the gym and at home. Today is weight-in day. C gained a pound and a half and so did I! This is discouraging as we have been working sooo hard on losing weight! I will not let this get me down! It makes me more determined to lose! I will go to the gym everyday! I will see if D. (a close friend) wants to go work out with me! I will continue with weight watchers! I am hoping that it is because I am getting ready to finally have a period! I just want it to come and get it over with!! I never really want a period, but I think that is what causing me to have gained a pound! I, also, keep reminding myself that on The Biggest Loser they say week 2 is the worst! So I am hoping that I will be able to get back on the horse and work my butt off!

Just trying to relax!

I wish you could force your body to do what you wanted it to do! I knew I wouldn't lose much weight this week, as I am waiting for it to rid of the miscarriage (still no period in sight). But I didn't realize how hard it would be to see only a 3lb drop in the first week of dieting! I usually lose between 5-10lbs the first week, followed by another week of the same! Well my husband has been on his diet for a week longer than I have, but he has lost the 15lbs I wanted to lose! It kinda hurt to see that! I didn't get to weigh myself first thing in the morning though. In fact, I had even eaten 2 meals and a snack already. I know this make a difference, but I am doubting it was a 7lb difference. I will try remember to weigh first thing tomorrow!

I am also getting pissed, like I did with the last miscarriage, that my period is not showing up! I mean what does a woman have to do??? I feel like I have been waiting forever!!! I was told last Tuesday that it should come within 10 days, but this is getting ridiculous!!! So if by Thursday it has not shown up, I will call my RE to see what he wanted to do! I am prepared for it to come! I expect it to be very heavy, but you just never know! I also made sure that I started taking prenatal vitamins, in case the next pregnancy decides to stick! If there ever is another pregnancy that is!

Last night was a rough night and I am sure that is not helping my hormones go crazy! It also makes things a lot hard to deal with! I did work on cleaning the kitchen and also did a tiny workout to try to relieve some stress. I think I will go take a nice LONG shower in my private haven (the basement has turned into a great private place of mine). I made C take charge of the kids tonight. I let him sleep for 7 hours uninterrupted. I, on the other hand, got very little sleep last night. I might even go to bed early if I take my shower right now!

Sounds enough like Heaven that I just might go do that!

Miscarriage! WHEW!

The Dr.s office just called....

Miscarriage! HURRAY no Ectopic!!!!! Now we can move forward to figure out why I haven't been able to sustain a pregnancy! I am hoping that it turns out as easy as low progesterone! I have a call back to the nurse about when they want to do an ultrasound. The Dr. wants to do it within the first couple weeks of my cycle. I am hoping that we are able to figure things out. I am hoping that it is easy to fix, though it maybe not produce any answers and I will have to deal with that when the time comes. I am glad that I CAN get pregnant and I have faith that God will help us to have more children.

I don't regret EVER hearing that we couldn't get pregnant. If we hadn't heard that, we wouldn't have made the decision to go forward with adoption. Which means that we wouldn't have our son and I wouldn't give him up for the world! My kids mean the world to me!

I figure I will go forward with trying to figure out why I have been having miscarriages (if we can figure that part out). And also move forward with my weight loss! I will continue with that for 12 weeks as planned. I am hoping to lose 33 pounds in that time and will be working really hard on that. If something comes along the way, that would be great! If not, then I will keep going as planned with more weight loss and trying to figure out what is causing the miscarriages! I will have everything tested!! I have many friends that had more than 3 miscarriages and went on to have normal pregnancies and babies! So I will NOT be giving up!!!

Defeating the odds, but not always a happy thing!

Well defeating the odds again!!! Too bad it is either a miscarriage or ectopic again!!! I was thinking it was pre-menopause, because 3 years ago my FSH level was 10 and my RE thought maybe it was the beginning of things. I figured it answered a lot of questions about my cycle. Anyway, the nurse called with my levels today......I forgot some of the things she told me (like my estrogen level and something else), then she said my FSH was only 6.9....HURRAY no menopause!!!! I was soo stuck on that I wasn't listening very well, but I heard my progesterone level was less than 1.....for the length of my cycle that is a good number. Then she says, "but your beta is 32." "My what is what?" I couldn't believe I was hearing I had a beta number!! So as we know with progesterone being so low and pregnant is not a good thing. So I have another beta on Friday morning. I am hoping that it is something easy like I need to be taking progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. So please pray that it is resolving itself again and that it isn't ectopic!!! Things aren't too bad considering! I am happy that I have defeated when I was told, "Without IVF you will never be able to get pregnant again." Two pregnancies within a year is a pretty good start! Now I just have to figure out how to keep the pregnancies! I'm sure the Re will be able to help me with that!

Oops, the Holidays happened!

Well I did it! I went to see my RE today! I am currently on CD 44 and no BFP to be seen! I don't feel pregnant and am actually relieved to not see a Positive right now. I would be convinced that it was another ectopic pregnancy. He ordered a whole bunch of blood tests. I am eager to find out what the results are, but won't find out for three weeks!! They will be calling this morning to tell me whether or not I am pregnant so I can start the progesterone pill to induce a period! Which is why I have to wait 3 weeks to find out. I might ask about my FSH level too (if they get it this early)! He doesn't think I am perimenopausal, but that level will surely tell us. It was elevated to 10 (which is the beginning of borderline status) about 3 years ago. He made it sound like my problem (whatever he thinks it might be, but he wouldn't tell me) was an easy fix. I sure hope that is true!

He told me that it could be a number of things and would know better when the results are all in. He said it could be beginning diabetes too. But I was tested for that last year with my yearly exam. I am pretty sure that isn't it, but I am on a diet anyway. I know I need to lose weight and am going on a 12 week program! My best friend and hubby are doing it with me! I tried to workout last night, but was not feeling 100% to do too much. I will definitely try again tonight!

I haven't seen him in 2 years. He had told us that our only chance at getting pregnant was to go through IVF. We had tried one round of clomid/IUI, but when that didn't work and we had to shell out $1100 for it, we decided that we would adopt! And trust me, I am soooo glad we did! I love my little man so much! Even when he has had the stomach flu for 6 days and I am going on absolutely NO sleep! Anyway....back on track! My RE was so happy to hear that we adopted and that I had (what he called) a "Spontaneous" pregnancy. In other words, we got pregnant on our own! Even though it ended in miscarriage. I think that gave him hope that I can get pregnant and something else is going on. He almost made it sound like maybe my progesterone is out of whack and all I need is to take that every month! Wouldn't that be great???

I almost hate to hope about getting pregnant again! I still was so happy to think it wasn't possible and to just have adopt for all my kids! I don't want to go through so much just to find out that same information AGAIN!!! I was almost hoping to hear it sounded like menopause was on it's way! I know that is a horrible thing to say, but with everything we have gone through, I just don't know how to feel any differently!

I guess right now I will mainly focus on my weightloss and try to figure out my cycles and fix them on the side. I will not focus my energy on getting pregnant. It is just an added stress that I do NOT need at this moment! With the holidays just happening and my kids' birthday coming very quickly, I have enough on my plate!

Beeper went off, time to force another 2oz down my son so he doesn't get dehydrated!