Stressful times

I am sitting here listening to my 9 month old scream his head off. He has been screaming for about 2 hours now! I am not sure what is wrong and am tired of trying to figure it out! So I have just set him on the floor with his toys and he has finally worn himself out, I guess! He is still crying and turning his head from side to side, but isn't opening his eyes! I know he wants a nap, but if he gets another one, he will be up all night again! I wish I knew what was the right move? Be up all night and let him get another nap, or make him stay awake and go to our church meeting with a screaming child? I really don't know what his problem is! I know that C will be home from work really soon, which would mean that he wouldn't get a long nap, so maybe I should just let him go on to sleep! I just really don't want C to have to be up with him all night again, or me. I'm sure it is teething that is bothering him, but there is nothing more I can do to make him happy! For some reason, we have these screamfests periodically. I know that he just has to scream it out, and life will get better. And I am really thankful that he doesn't have colic or reflux or anything like that, because I know how hard it is when they do. My nephew had reflux and bad! He screamed the first 7 months of his life non-stop! My sister did as much as she could, but some times it was too much for her! I spent a lot of time out there, just so I could relieve her some nights. So I do know that this is just one of those days and he needs to get it out! I think he is going horse though! Poor kid!! He keeps stomping his foot on the ground! I really wish C would get home, so he can witness one of his screamfests! I think, he thinks, I exaggerate them! LOL! Well he just got home, so we shall see what he has to say!

Trying to figure it out!

Things are going well! I am having an extremely heavy period. I think that my body is trying to make up for the period I had last month. It was really light and short. I just hope that it isn't anything more serious! I am going to be keeping an eye on things today, just in case!

I am excited that it is time to head into a new month with new possibilities. Though I am going to try think about it too much! It is probably a good thing that this month didn't work, because I was on a lot of meds with my stomach flu and skin problem flaring up!

Right now I am watching my baby boy and I just can't imagine life without adoption! I also just watched "Adoption Stories" on Discovery Health channel. I love that show! I think I have probably seen most of them, but cry every time anyway! The way that others can help people, like me, to become a parent is a wonderful thing! G's birth parents were very strong to trust us in raising him. I love him soo much! There are times when I think what it would have been like to carry him. He is just such a Mellow little guy!

Another month done

Well this morning my temp dropped so I thought Af would be here tomorrow morning. But I was wrong I started af right away. I did tell C on Friday night that I was having a hard month with the hope that it might have worked! He is so great! He just lets me get our my sadness and didn't make me feel bad about it!

Yesterday was soo crazy that it did keep my mind off things. I am thinking that because of the fever that I had with my skin disorder flaring up, that it messed up my chart. I am also not really sure that I did ovulate this month.

I will go a few more months to see what the charts are looking like and then I will figure out what I want to do from that point! I am exhausted today. I hope that I am able to get a good nights sleep tonight. I woke up this morning really sore like I had slept very tense all night! I wonder what I dreamt. I guess I will be heading to bed pretty early!

Okay, now every time I go to the bathroom I check to see if I have started again! Every cramp I pray that I would just start already! The madness is going to drive me insane! I really need to stop over thinking everything! I know that I am going to have a period! I know this, so why is do I continue to hold out hope? I don't know what to do any more!

I guess I should admit that I want to get pregnant! I guess I need to tell C that I want to go back to a NEW RE and see what they have to say. Maybe they can do more blood work and can check to make sure it is still all normal? Maybe he will know why I did get pregnant when I was nursing? Maybe that is something that I can fix or he can! Maybe I should go through chemical menopause to help with my endo......they guess that I might have that. Maybe they are right, even though it is totally a GUESS on their part. They don't want to go back through laperoscopely (I know I spelled that wrong) and produce more scarring!

I guess I just need to give up thinking for the night! I have 4 days before I will know for sure! Even though in my head I definitely do NOT feel pregnant! I hate the phrase, "It ain't over til its over!" It should be over! It should be over in my mind! So why isn't it? Why isn't it that easy? Why does the thought of a period coming make me cringe? I just want it to start so that I can move on. The last couple days of each cycle suck!

Well C is saying it is time for dinner. Luckily, we will eb gone all day tomorrow so I don't have time to think about it!

Mind is wondering

Okay, so I am sitting here watching Tv and trying not to let my mind wonder! I just wish that my period would come and I wouldn't be sitting here thinking about everything thing that COULD, but probably isn't, a sign! Why do people do this? Why do I do this? I am making myself crazy with wondering! I am even doing a ton to keep busy and keep my mind off of everything.

I know that the chances are slim to none this month! I wish that it was something you could know right away! Not have to go through the 2 week wait hell! I have to go potty all the time and I know that it is just my head playing tricks on me. I hate that! I'm sure that I am drinking more and that is why. But it just makes me wonder?

I have been even thinking about what I would do if I am pregnant. Who will I tell? When will we tell? Will we wait until 12 weeks until we even tell E (our daughter)? When would I be due? Why can't things go easier? What is going on inside my body?

And yet, I know! It is gearing up for a 3-6 day period! Why do I fool myself into hoping and praying and thinking it is possible?

I guess I better get back to the wifely/motherly duties I was doing today! And pick up E in about 25ish minutes!

Life again with Hope (which I am not sure I want)

So after the miscarriage and dealing with that, I started to wonder if I was ovulating anymore. It sure didn't seem like it! So in August (or was it September?) I decided to start taking my temps again every morning! I don't know if this was a good idea. I did find out that my cycles have now changed from my normal 28 days, ovulating on day 14, to 32 days, ovulating on day 18 or 19. I am not sure how I feel about this. It was hard to tell for sure if I did ovulate this month because I came down with the stomach flu with a fever right at the right time! C and I were only able to try once this month because of a minor surgery I had to have the day before I ovulated.

I know I shouldn't be surprised if it didn't work this month, but I know I will be very sad. AF is supposed to be here on Tuesday and I know it will come. I have every sign that it is coming, including having diarrhea this morning. If I have severe constipation the next couple days, then I know for sure. Not sure why my body does this, but it is the same every month! My temps are still elevated, but they will drop either Sunday or Monday. I just hate that now, after finding out that I can get pregnant again, I have hope. I hated month after month of hope and then being disappointed when af showed! I am convinced it was because I was nursing G! I stopped when I found out I was pregnant, and was going to go back to it, but life happened and so it never happened. So no more nursing, and I believe no more getting pregnant! I think the nursing helped my hormones work properly, though no Dr. will agree to that!

One of my friends just found out she was pregnant and I was hoping this was the beginning of the "everything happens in 3s" situation. Well today she found out that she is miscarrying (her numbers are dropping too)! I feel soo bad for her. As I look back to the last month, this is the 3rd miscarriage that I know of. First my sister-in-law, then another friend lost a twin, and now this friend. So things DO happen in 3s! But it dashes the tiny bit of hope that I was hanging on to! I guess this is God showing me early not to get my hopes up!

I guess I will chart for a couple more months just to make sure that I am ovulating. I will probably post all my sadness on here. This is why I decided to start another blog! I need somewhere to vent and cry and get out my feelings! I don't know why I am soo upset about not getting pregnant! I was so happy and content to know I couldn't have anymore, but then the hope was given again! I still get very sad knowing there is hope, but for some reason it isn't working!

I started a blogspot once when I was dealing with infertility, but then let it expire! I guess I gave up when we decided to adopt! We now have our 2 beautiful kids! E is our biological daughter. We had only been married 9 months when I found out I was pregnant. After a LONG and extremely complicated pregnancy where I lost her twin at 20 weeks, and had a life or death surgery at 24 weeks pregnant, she was delivered just fine! She is now almost 6! I was left with only one ovary and tube, making conceiving again almost impossible!

When she was about 15 months, we decided to start trying again! 5 months later we got pregnant! But I knew right from the start that something was terribly wrong! We found out it was ectopic and possibly leaving me extremely infertile, though the Dr.s didn't want to admit it yet. I then proceeded to chart my temps and do OPKs! Everything showed that I was ovulating. So I decided to go get help from an RE.

The Re preformed all the tests and nothing was conclusive as to why we were getting pregnant. The final assessment was that because of all the scarring in my abdomen, that is why I can not get pregnant. We decided at that point to just give up and not pursue IVF! We didn't actively try to get pregnant anymore, but did fix any problems that came along (Such as uterine polyps).

In May of 2007 C asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day I simply replied, "To go to the free informational meeting at Hope's Promise (an adoption agency near us)". I'm not sure if it shocked him or if he was ready himself. So we went the next time they had one. The following day C texted that he had looked into things and was ready to start too! I was soo shocked that I made him think that I wasn't happy with his choice!

We started the process right away! It seemed like things took forever with the paperwork and Homestudy. But, honestly, by August 2007 it was all done and we were in the "pool" of waiting adoptive parents! Right away our book was shown for twin girls, but we weren't chosen. Then it wasn't until December until our book was shown again. This was really hard to our egos! We wondered what was wrong with us. But also, if we had chosen the wrong agency? I mean only 2 birth families in 4 months?

In January 2008, I emailed our caseworker (like I did every month) to see what the stats were (ie. how many adoptive families in the "pool" and birth moms?) I didn't usually like the answer. This time was different! There were more birth families than they had adoptive families! This made life seem better. Not only that, but we got a call from another caseworker in the agency that there was a 8 month old Baby Girl that was being put up for adoption and was wondering if we were interested. After a LONG talk with C, we decided to go for her! The caseworker would be showing her birth mom books the following Tuesday morning!

As with every possibility I was on pins and needles! Monday evening, we got a call from our caseworker. She had a Baby Boy that had been born on Saturday and was being given up for adoption as well! They would be showing the birth parents the books in the morning to look at! C and I had to so some major research about the circumstances, but decided to try for the little boy as well! So there were 2 possibilities in 24 hours!!! Talk about no sleeping and on pins and needles!

The next morning, we saw that it had blizzarded during the night. We were told that for the boy, they would be showing the books at 10am that morning. All morning and noon C asked if he should call our caseworker. I kept saying no, don't bug them, it probably was the snow. At 2:30 I couldn't handle it anymore and so C called her! She told him that the birth parents had just took a walk to think about things and should be back in about 20 minutes.

20 minutes passed, then 40, then an hour.......still nothing. My parents were waiting with us at our house. I told them that they probably had chosen and to go on home. They agreed thinking if they had chosen already, and we weren't picked we would be the last to hear. That the agency probably called the ones picked first. About 20 minutes after they left, C got a call on his work cell. I didn't think anything about it, as it was his WORK cell! Until I heard him say, "So where do we pick up our son???"

I must have looked like a crazy woman! I grabbed my cell phone and called my sister (who had been calling all day). I then called my parents and told them to TURN around!! I was crying so hard and running around the house trying to get the car seat and an outfit. Finally, after C got all the information, he was able to tell me everything he knew! We went flying out the door to get him! My parents asked if there was anything we needed. I told me all I could think of that was needed that night.....mainly diapers and bottles!

Of course, it was rush hour and getting to the hospital was the longest trip I have ever made in my life! I just wanted to get there already! Our caseworker met with us in the lobby of the hospital. Then we got to go up to see him. She lead us into a Lactation room and the nurse was getting him for us. We could hear a baby screaming, I just knew that was him. But I didn't care if he screamed everyday, I was just soo excited to have another baby. When the nurse wheeled him in, he was sound asleep and didn't have a care in the world! We got to meet his birth mom and we chatted for like 2 hours. It was a little scary and I didn't know what to do. When she walked in, I asked her if she wanted to hold him. She held him the whole time we talked, until the nurse told us that we had to go. Then she handed him to me, to put him in his car seat.

Then we all came home about 8:00 on February 5! My parents were waiting! I was soo excited that I ended up throwing up. That is a normal occurance for me when I get too excited! LOL! I had looked into nursing an adopted baby. I ordered the supplies and within a week was doing that! I loved the bonding!

At the end of May, I found out I was pregnant!!! WHAT!?? I was told it wasn't possible!!!! I was in shock and sooo excited to know that we would 2 babies less than a year apart! Also, my best friend was due 2 weeks before me! We went straight to the Dr. She confirmed I was pregnant and referred me to an OB/GYN. I went to the new and took more blood. I was given a horrible call! My numbers had dropped and I was losing the pregnancy! It was the most horrible week I had ever had! I was mad! I was pissed at God! I felt tricked and teased and it sucked! I really didn't handle it well!